60. When the shoe just kinda "hangs there"...Or the positive "marker"

Right before the holidays, I had my 6 month followup with my radiation oncologist, mostly to see how my “pinkened skin” had healed and how I was feeling. Over the past months, as I’ve been hitting cancer “anniversaries,” it constantly strikes me how very fluid life is. How unique a phenomena it is to have a daily “routine” involving trips to the hospital, only to have it feel completely foreign a mere six months later.

Much like visiting a school you’ve graduated from, things change… yet manage to stay exactly the same.

I didn’t expect much from this trip. I was ready for “Everything looks great we’ll see you in 6 months, or a year.”

Except I forgot one thing…

At my final radiation appointment, my Doctor (who is a freakin’ wunderkind) asked me if I would be okay taking a swab for a clinical study. Seems in addition to being a badass radiation oncologist, while doing her residency at Memorial Sloan Kettering, her mentor said something that caught her attention.

“You’ll see that cancer is not evenly spread,” he told her. “There will be people that get not just one, but two and even three different types of cancers.”

A group of “healthy” people, with no known history of a cancer, will present with an aggressive cancer, “technically “ beat it with treatment, then later present with another aggressive cancer that seemingly unrelated. So Dr W, and her colleague set out to find what that connection was, what they discovered was the KRAS-Variant.

In case it’s been a bit and you’ve forgotten, I fit part of that bill.

Three cancers, somewhat aggressive, all unrelated.

So when she asked if she could take the swab for her clinical study, I of course said yes, not really registering what it could mean if the results came back positive. ( My MO throughout all of these cancers has been “ if you need something for research, take it.” I mean if it can help to have someone not go through what I did, then I’m all in.)

So when the appointment seemed to be going longer than I expected, And Dr W.’s voice dropped into “sensitive voice,” I was like “Whoah, What’s going on?”

It was simple. I had agreed to be tested for the KRAS- Variant DNA Marker, and the results were positive.

“ This doesn’t change anything ,” Dr W stated as she began explaining what the results meant.

I sat staring at her, eyes wide, feigning understanding as I struggled to not fall deep in a pool of abject panic.

Did I mention I committed the #1 rookie mistake when going to followups?

I WENT ALONE.

I told Collin it was fine if he didn’t come as it was probably going to be “no big”.

But it was big.

Because while nothing had changed, everything did.

I no longer had to wonder where this all potentially started. More importantly, based on this new information, my current remission could be exactly that, a rest stop to the next diagnoses.

And for the very first time, since it all began, I felt the numbing fear of reoccurrence settle deep in the pit of my stomach.

I drove home, internally debating if the “news” was actually “good.” I told myself my fear was “understandable” but “unproductive,” and I should be grateful the map forward, with all future treatments would be much more specific.

Yet, the proverbial hanging of the shoe - the one threatening to drop - loomed large.

Over these last two months, I have gotten stronger, healthier, and, dare I say, happier?

And while that shoe may be hanging there, it serves as a glaring reminder of a truth that has struck over and over again in the past 16 months:

Life is fragile, health a gift, and living is best done in the moment.

So that’s what I’m going to keep on doing.